You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
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My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: *flirts*
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