Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

How do I get a job writing these texts

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me