You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD