You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Who does Amazon think I am?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
#parenting
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.