You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I’m too immature for adultery.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Yeah. This was me today.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself