You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
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Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.