Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself