Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.