Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to