You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
thank god the sign was there
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.