Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise