Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy