You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out