You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
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Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
“Sheer Arrogance”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.