Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.