Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

Welcome to the stomach

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba