You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
At least he brought enough for everyone
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere