You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Happy Halloween 🎃
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.