Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

They got a point!

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

I think they could have phrased this better

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

britain’s three elite institutions

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

When you let grandma cat sit

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.