Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

I didn’t realize that was an option

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

Florida man

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.