You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
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Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!