You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
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One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*