You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
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You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.