If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
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My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types