You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
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When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
President The Rock Obama
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?