Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush