Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

your honor my client chooses dare

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house