You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
the composer
definitely did not do anything wrong
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
When you kidnap a writer.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
this is so top tier i cant
