You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.