Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

How is it still this week?

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.