Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

This sounds bad: