You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it