You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
You Might Also Like
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..