You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
