You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god