You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.