You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6