glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
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I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”