Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

Called it

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not