Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.