Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

Buying a well is money well spent.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.