Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

won’t smith

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself