You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
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We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
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I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.