“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
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Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
SONOFA
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions