Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

Others: I run so I can eat pizza

Me: I just…eat pizza

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION