Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”