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@underchilde: You say you write your best tweets in the shower.
I say you haven’t showered in weeks.
@RobinMcCauley: I don't need anyone with a so-called degree "to" tell me I use quotes wrong.
@TheAlexNevil: When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
@mortimermaiden: Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
@FatherWithTwins: Wife: I'm going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
@AGStr8upNinja: Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.