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When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.


People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”


Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic


How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*


Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic


The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.


Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.


#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral


I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.