When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.