You Might Also Like

@JaySuch

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

@juliussharpe

People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”

@KingsnorthAP

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

@TitansHomer

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

@druuuck

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

@robdelaney

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

@Skullcat

Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.

@Scimommy

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

@noellebean

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.