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@Underchilde

Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.

@Freak_N_Geeky

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

@_Bad_Karma

Not all Heroes wear capes.

But HR says I do have to wear pants, which is such bullshit..

@ficklenuts

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

@LizerReal

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

@RorynotRoy

Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.

@thenatewolf

ME AFTER 2 GLASSES OF WINE: This beautiful life is meant to be enjoyed! Let us feast and make merry!

ME AFTER 4 GLASSES OF WINE: I have 938 worst enemies and I will now name them all.

@Reverend_Scott

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

@DaddyJew

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

@lmwortho

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.