You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
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I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
DOOO EEEET
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.