You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?
– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.