You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
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3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My typo game is string.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know