You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
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Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My fantasy football season is going great
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.