You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
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I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
i think both sides are to blame here
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂