Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.

Husband: What experts?

Me: Experts.

Husband: But who?

Me: Me. I’m the experts.

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

I know this is a show off post but feck it I had to share.
When you work hard all your life and you are doing so well you can treat yourself.
White was the only colour but it doesn’t matter.
I’ve just purchased four of these garden chairs!!

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…