“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
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Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
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[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live