“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Me if I was a dog
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Merica.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it