Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.