You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
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Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Strange
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her