You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Customer is always right
*frowns in Scottish*
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
North and South
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Trying
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG