Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

what day is it?

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.