You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.