You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
When you’re here for the treats.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
