Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

the clam before the storm

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens