You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker