You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
dark side of the loom
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing