You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”