you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
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ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
like swimming in quick dry cement
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Beware of the dog..
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Breakfast for Stoners:
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently