you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
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Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.