Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair