Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?