“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
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It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.