Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing