“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
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to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
If you know, you know 😂🚔
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?