@Jake_Vig

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

You Might Also Like

@_davidlucas_

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

@AbleLikes

Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.

@KentWGraham

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

@ExcuseMyTweets

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

@adult_mom

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

@1followernodad

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

@saltymamas

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

@juliussharpe

A foolproof way to get a woman’s phone number is to hit her car.

@IGotsSmarts

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.