“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

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Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.


Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.


I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.


ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.


It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.


I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks


the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks


Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.


A foolproof way to get a woman’s phone number is to hit her car.


“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.