“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
figuring out my emotional availability:
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.