Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Just a phase…

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…