Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

crochet youtube is brutal

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―