Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

If you know, you know 😂🚔

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

money maker

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

i baked you a cake

adding to the discourse

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children