You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Merry Christmas
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep